Obstacles to accepting the vānaprastha āśrama: #6. Bad advice from other householders

The Vānaprastha Adventure, Installment 30

In one of my seminars a devotee related that when she mentioned to some of her devotee friends that at some point she and her husband intended to take up vānaprastha life, the friends right away assumed that this couple was having problems with their marriage.

There was, of course, a problem with their marriage: Both husband and wife would die. And the friends too, though perhaps not mindful of it, had the same problem. We’re all going to die, and then our family life will be finished. And if we’re more attached to family life than to Kṛṣṇa—what a failure, what a disappointment, what a waste! It’s good to be responsible in family life, but at some point we’re meant to move on. Unfortunately, friends not thinking this way may try to discourage us.

It’s better, therefore, to seek the company of mature devotees who are more advanced and who have a similar interest in detachment from family life and in moving on to the next stage, or who have already made that move.¹

Also: If we’re older and we are having problems with our marriage, the vānaprastha āśrama provides a smooth way out. Instead of suffering on in householder life or else seeking a nasty divorce, we can simply move on to the next āśrama.²

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Our discussion of obstacles will continue in the next installments.

Notes:

1 We can also keep in mind this advice given by Nārada to King Yudhiṣṭhira:

jñātayaḥ pitarau putrā
bhrātaraḥ suhṛdo ’pare
yad vadanti yad icchanti
cānumodeta nirmamaḥ

“When friends, children, parents, brothers, or other such people suggest how one should live, one should externally agree, saying, ‘Yes, that is all right,’ but internally one should be determined not to create a cumbersome life in which life’s purpose will not be fulfilled.” (Bhāgavatam 7.14.6)

2 My thanks to my godsister Kamalinī Devī Dāsī for bringing up this point. Śrīla Prabhupāda makes the same point himself: “Being disgusted with family life, one separates from the family by divorce or some other means. If one has to separate, why not separate willingly? Systematic separation is better than forced separation. Forced separation cannot make anyone happy, but by mutual consent or by the Vedic arrangement one must separate from his family affairs at a certain age and fully depend on Kṛṣṇa. This makes one’s life successful.” (Bhāgavatam 5.13.8, purport)

This is part of a draft

This is an excerpt from a new book I have in the works—The Vānaprastha Adventure, a guide to retirement in spiritual life. While I’m working on it, I’ll be posting my draft here, in installments. I invite your comments, questions, and suggestions.